I’ve been seeing a lot of victimhood in society. I started noticing it as kids that are now around 25 years old, give or take five years or so, who were in high school. So, I guess that’s about 10 years ago, around 2008. It was weird to see them coming up with so many ways that the failures in their lives weren’t their fault. I saw a lot of them blaming genetic problems (depression, ADD, ADHD, anxiety, etc.), and then falling down that trap to unending unhappiness; I saw them blaming various systems, like school, college, capitalism, religion, and others (this has morphed into patriarchy, racism, classism, and more now, 10 years later); basically, anything that took away from the pain of having to self-examine, and possibly self-criticize.
I actually understand this quite well. I do it too. It’s super hard to look at yourself and think, “I need to change this aspect of my life,” and then work on it. It’s hard to admit that I’m doing something wrong, take ownership of it, and move to correct it. Ultimately, it comes down to embarrassment and pride. I know. I’ve struggled with it.
I suppose I started noticing it about the time I was failing in my life. My businesses were struggling; my mortgage company had just gone through 2008 and the crash, which meant hardly anyone could get a mortgage anymore; my skilled nursing facility was failing, and at the time I didn’t know a partner was taking money from us that ultimately lead to losing the company. Maybe being in this spot of failure in my life made me realize and be aware of how hard failure is to address?
What I’ve learned over the last few years is this: if you want to know who wants to control you, or may be controlling you, look to the people who tell you that you are a victim. Other terms that are coming out now to point to this are “marginalized”, “privileged” (and its corollary “underprivileged”) or who lump you into a group based on sex, sexual orientation, race, etc., and say you are “oppressed.” They’ll never tell you that you need to change if you want to better your life, and they’ll always make excuses for you to fail, so that you continue to fail. Those are the narcissists who want control over you, over your body, over your thoughts, over your soul. They are power hungry, and all they want is control. If you want to know who wants to control you, and who may control you, look to the people who tell you that you are a victim.
I learned that I can take back control by owning up to my own failures. I acknowledge them, openly. Not just to myself, but to others if it’s discussed. This is all part of being honest, not only with others, but with myself. I have learned that I can’t be honest with others if I’m not honest with myself first. So, open honesty to myself about my failures, and if I discuss them with others, I can then be honest with them and own up to my failures. I control the narrative of my life because I account for my own shortcomings.
After I’ve owned my failures, I can correct. I can abandon a habit; I can stop going down a path I’m headed that is destructive; I can change a career path that isn’t working; I can control my emotions and actions. I can’t do any of this if I’m not honest with myself and acknowledge my own lack of intelligence, experience, character, or whatever it is that contributed to my failure. It is so liberating! Once I do that, no one can tell me I’m a victim, or I’m oppressed, or control my thoughts and emotions. I take that power back from them, and then they have no control over me. I become the victor.
This is my mantra: NEVER THE VICTIM, EVER THE VICTOR! So many have it backwards; they live their lives in perpetual victimhood, truly realizing the opposite of this maxim. Their subconscious mantra becomes literally: Ever the victim, never the victor. I use the opposite, NEVER THE VICTIM, EVER THE VICTOR, even in smaller things. I was running the other day and my legs started to cramp. I had a thought, “you can stop, your legs are cramping, you don’t need to push on.” Basically, an excuse. I did have a legitimate physical issue, so I could have used that as the crutch to stop, but that is defeat. I don’t accept defeat. So, I started saying my mantra in my head over and over again, NEVER THE VICTIM, EVER THE VICTOR on my run. I stretched a bit, and finished my run, and finished it well. No one controls me because I’m not a victim, I’m a victor.
NEVER THE VICTIM, EVER THE VICTOR. NEVER THE VICTIM, EVER THE VICTOR. NEVER THE VICTIM, EVER THE VICTOR.